over burnt

This is the only place that I would let myself loose like this. I am starting to stone around occasionally. My brains are going haywire; my reaction time is slower perhaps to around 0.02 seconds. Almost burnt my hands over cooking a meal due to slow reaction. I still think i am not ready for a partner in my life; and I am quite sure of it. There was this time I really felt heart burnt while attending a tutorial. I really couldn't breathe well and my heart was like racing; my throat hurts like hell. I needed to inhale deeply to relax myself. phew, close call.

Making choices

The first time I had the power of making choices; I choose to study DnT over double pure science. I regret it to a very very large extent despite getting a boost for and from my physics and DnT. Did quite well; even though I didn't really enjoyed the process.

The second time, I choose NYP Business because it was nearer to my house. That was another regretful decision. I slipped myself into a very complicated mindset. That was me. Once again; I have decided to make a decision that might boom or jeopardize my entire life.

Its really amazing that even after much thought and consideration; I still reserve my hesitation. But that can't be blame looking at my glorious past choices; its OKAY to be unsure; but I better hope this is gonna be a hell of a good decision.

Man

I wasn't much of a man lately until i decided that I needed to control my emotions. I really envy the monks handle things some times. They are both calm and "nonchalant" and since they gave up their earthly desires; I guess they are pretty good at handling their feelings. I havent been really honest with my friends; but this is perhaps my 7th relapse. I am no longer bounded by my own limitations. I will live everyday as though it is my last; use every minute on the bus as wisely as possible. Time is no longer the essence; A body is no longer my container. I will do what I know I should do.

end of the finishing line

I can slowly feel the body's limitation. headache is getting worse every moment. I have to hang on; I will and I must. I just read up; this illness doesn't affect my life span directly; but will cause my descendants to suffer like me. In other words; its a bloody genetic issue. My sis is down with an auto-immune problem. She is strong-willed and un-affected much. Thank her and thank the gods.

lately; i feel being....so dispensable to the people around me. Be it my friends or my workplace. Its good when your workplace doesn't needs you; but feeling dispensable to your friends is really a nasty issue. Maybe it is time I go and source for a new network.

sorry

hey blog. I am having my 6th relapse. The docs told me they might change the drug. I know I may not live that long as my heart is starting to ache here and there. But I do not dare ask god for longevity; nor do I need a strong body. I just need time; long enough to repay my parents and elder sis. It stabs me in the heart to hear my lil sis knows that my relapse is occurring on her birthday again and her first question was ,"ah kor zhen mo ban." I am really guilty if she were to feel that her birthday is some how related to my relapse. I claim myself to be that a failure of a brother; one who would only let his sisters worry about him.

I will not stop moving forward. I must keep moving; I MUST NOT STOP till this heart is finally dead.

痛

自从在南洋理工学院上学，我心里就开始怀着两个梦想。

第一，奇怪的是，我想失去记忆。我想从新来过。因为，我的记忆充满着许多不好和痛苦的回忆。不仅如此，也有许多我无法忘掉的耻辱。

第二，就是消失；也就是从来没有存在过。没有人会伤心，也没有人会记得我的过失。那会是多好的理想啊。

哈哈哈哈，可能我想太多了。:)

频频的烦

今天我被医生骂了狗血淋头；因为我的病又复发了。

不仅如此，我的头疼也一直缠着我；(我刚刚和脑科医生定了一个约会)我所爱慕的女孩也向他所喜欢的男生慢慢地显出爱意。天啊，我的人生为何还是一片乱。更何况那个男生是我的好朋友。

这病真的让我失去信心和斗志。我只希望快点好起来继续这场慢长的人生；继续追求我的梦想;继续完成我的理想和使命。

其实我很羡慕eddie那家伙；大概是因为他有即使荒废我这一生也得不到的东西。

哈哈!不过，给我这样的人大概也无法要求什么。